Chinese Association of Idaho State University (CAISU)
Hindi Vampire Killers
Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her. His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte, Heide, Anke and Trudi have trouble with their van and Jimmy and Fletch reach them in the forest and they offer a ride to the guys to the cottage. They introduce themselves as students of folklore and they are researching the Vampire Queen Carmilla. When Fletch believes that he will have a night of beer and sex with three sexy girls and Jimmy and Lotte have a crush on each other, the cottage is surrounded by a group of lesbian vampires that vampires intend to use Jimmy and Lotte's blood to bring Carmilla back to life. They are abducted by the vampires, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar that tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the baron and only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich.
This was bad. Real bad. I always wondered why I found so many copies of it strewn across the shelves in charity shops, but now I know why. The movie, unwanted by pretty much everyone who bought a copy, has nothing on the promising title. It's a flop from the start.
Corden and his friend, who's name I didn't bother to even research, were unlikable and irritating protagonists, on their quest to get with some girls. But boy, such a shame all these girls in this here town are lesbian vampires! (Hold for raucous laughter and applause). Basically, they meet some chicks that rattle off a ton of exposition, these girls are kidnapped by lesbian vampires and turned, dick jokes and gay jokes ensue, they slaughter the lesbians, and ride off into the sunset.
It's not even that I'm offended by gay jokes, but you might as well have them be funny if you're gonna go for it. And like, you might want to hire some competent actors if you want to make a movie. This just feels like nobody was trying. It's like they wanted to be Shaun of the Dead, decided it was too much effort, found the worst talent in Britain, and wrote the script in about twenty minutes.
I think I laughed once, which I'm ashamed of, because it means admitting I enjoyed even one aspect of the thoroughly awful Lesbian Vampire Killers. I advise you to give this one a miss, because even though it's relatively short, it'll feel like an eternity. There is one word for this film: Weak. If you think you're going to get Shaun Of The Dead with vampires as one comment suggests you will be massively disappointed.
This film is not without it's laughs, but sadly they are few and far between and mostly in the trailer (the werewolf line is still the best in the whole film so work out how much that made you laugh in the trailer, figure that's the best you're getting and decide from there).
It is only 87 minutes but it still manages to get dull, something Shaun avoided. It does not have the deft lightness, charm and flow of Shaun and this is largely due to sub-Carry On writing that thinks it's funny when you are rolling eyes and groaning. The direction is lazy and feels more like one of the standard rubbish 'Brit comedian(s) comedy' like Sex Lives Of The Potato Men or Parole Officer. It's better than Potato Men of course - on a sort of level with Parole Officer I suppose or the Oz comedy Black Sheep.
Perhaps if Horne and Corden had written it, as Pegg and Wright did for Shaun, it would have worked for them better. But this is a weak film that only comes off as the pair trying (and failing) to do their own Shaun. Avoid unless a die-hard Horne and Corden fan, and even then you'll have to talk yourself into enjoying it if you're sober!
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